MY ♥ IS BROKEN

Bare with me or don't read this, but since I find myself in a very difficult situation at the moment I feel that I have to share with someone.Leaving California will be the most difficult thing I will ever have to go through. And the worst part is that I have to face it alone because no one can relate to my situation. Swedish family and friends are all very excited to have me back home, as well as I am to see them again. Yet I couldn't ever imagine that it would be this hard to leave. I can most surely tell that I will return to California once I get the opportunity to, although I can't be certain.Can any of you imagine what it would be like to have two lives? To create such strong and lovely relationships to places and with people to one day just leave and not be guaranteed to ever see them again? Can any of you relate to leaving your entire life for a year to just jump off a cliff with no idea where you will end up? If anyone was about to catch you or if you were about to hit the ground hard? Fortunately, people caught me and they gave me much more than I ever could ask for. So it hurts when I receive mean comments/emails on the blog saying things like "Well, you're just a spoiled bitch thinking you're all American just because you got the opportunity to spend a year in California" or "You're so full of yourself and have too much over you head - stop complaining when there are people with real problems." These things make me so sad because YES I did get an amazing opportunity this year (Thanks to my parents, host parents YFU etc - can't ever show you how GREATFUL I am) and highly likely, YES - everyone who spent a year in California or the US would experience the difficulty with leaving such a wonderful place and YES I know I haven't been the perfect daughter, friend, sister or whomever to people in my Swedish life during this past year here in the US and YES I am incredibly sorry for that - believe me I am. But at the same time you have to understand that I tried my very, very hardest to be a good daughter, friend, sister and student here IN MY NEW LIFE and I knew that you would forgive me for any kind of behavior, while I couldn't be guaranteed forgiveness in my new life. As mentioned, no matter how easy it seems to understand how I feel - YOU CAN'T RELATE TO IT - not even if you've been in a similar situation - YOU CAN'T RELATE TO IT. And I know I'm stubborn, but it comes to a point when I'm not even sure I want you to understand. Maybe I have to be alone in this?This past year I have created so many new relationships yet in the end of the day I'm alone - it's all about me, the individual. I've learned that people in your surroundings can give you guide lines in life or in some cases maybe even do the task for you, but in the very end it's all up to you - who do you want to be? I have learned incredible and indescribable things in life that I can't even explain - you have to experience them yourself. I've experienced the taste of how it is to have everything as opposed to have nothing at all, I've seen the availability and resistance to drugs and how people perceive happiness and unhappiness. I HAVE LEARNED THAT IN THE END OF THE DAY THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS IS THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS - that's literally all we care about. I have seen and been a part of a different society and a culture with people with different values. And whether you like it or not YOU CHANGE. You get influenced by people in your surroundings, YOU DO. At first you prevent to feel or do specific things since that's not how you were raised, but it comes to a point when things and habits don't seem so foreign any more and you have slowly but surely transformed to another person. The desire to fit in perfectly whatever you do or whoever you are with is so powerful. I have experienced a new society with a different culture which also made me look at my initial culture differently and I have unconsciously compared the former and the latter to each other since day one.The reason I feel LONELY at the moment and stubbornly DO NOT want any help is because this is how I deal with things - I CAN DO IT MYSELF. Without bragging, I walked into the scariest place on earth not knowing a soul with people staring and judging and I had NO ONE holding my hand, no one catching me if I would fall or not even offer to help me up if I did so. I had to find my spot in the scariest place on earth, where people didn't wore the same clothes as I did or spoke the same language. I had to enter an American High School. And I survived. I feel lonely because other people in my surroundings are going home with mixed feelings; they are sad to leave yet excited to go home. I'm facing the scariest part of my adventure - I'm leaving with sad feelings only. I have been smiling like never before this year, so why should I be anywhere else?PLEASE DON'T MISUNDERSTAND ME, I miss my family and friends and they will FOR SURE make me smile, but I have discovered things about the world and about myself this year that I only can share with pepole to some extent - by far not everything. And it BREAKS MY HEART to leave the Golden State, it really does. And how sad and depressing it sounds - I will find the eligibility to smile again, but my heart is broken and the pieces are in California and unfortunately I'm the only one who can pick them up.So take a minute and look at this Cali-girl right here? She belongs here, she really does.

Fan vad du skriver bra, Matilda!!! :)))